The ABCs of Seinfeld

This month, Jerry Seinfeld turns 65. So we are flexing our Feats of Strength and compiling the ABCs of Seinfeld, the greatest show ever created about nothing! Yada yada yada...

A is for Anti-dentite
"Those people" came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream. Next thing you know, you're a RABID ANTI-DENTITE! Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.

B is for Bubble Boy
Who invaded Spain in the 8th century? Because I sure as heck know it wasn't the Moops!

C is for Chinese Restaurant
This! This solidified the "show about nothing". This is a classic! This is the epitome of Seinfeld. This is a masterpiece.

D is for Delores
Well, her name isn't Bovary, Mulva, Loreola, Celeste, Hest, or Gipple.

E is for Eclair
So good, you can eat it right out of the trash!

F is for Festivus
Between the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, we can celebrate "A Festivus for the rest of us". It'll be a Festivus miracle under the aluminum pole!

G is for Giddyup!
Nothing is more Kramer than "Giddyup." Except bursting into a room uninvited.

H is for Helloooooo!
As said by a portly character, inspired by the belly button of one of Jerry's girlfriends.

I is for I was in the pool!
"I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. *giggles* I'm really sorry!"

J is for Jerk Store
The jerk store called, and they're running out of you.

K is for Kramerica
Coffee table book about coffee tables. A restaurant where you make your own pizza pie. A restaurant that only serves peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Oil bladder system. Ketchup & mustard in the same bottle. A roll-out tie dispenser. A periscope for your car so you can see the traffic. And of course the Calvin Klein cologne "The Beach".

L is for Low talker
"What's that? 'Scuse me?" ... "Yeah. Um, sure!"

M is for Master of my domain
King of the county. Lord of the manor. Queen of the castle. "I'm out!"

N is for Newman! *shakes fist*


O is for Oceanographer
"The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, 'Easy, big fella!' And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish. Mammal. Whatever. Then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [Pulls out golf ball.] The crowd went wild. They were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist! She told me to 'Go to h***!' and I took the bus home."

P is for Puffy shirt
"But I don’t wanna be a pirate!"

Q is for Quone
quone \kwōn\ v. (medical term) – def. to quone something. Example: “A patient gets difficult, you quone him!” (related terms: quo)

R is for Re-gifter
"I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, then he de-gifted." Says the anti-dentite.

S is for Soup Nazi


T is for They’re real, and they’re spectacular!
Is accidentally falling in a sauna the only way to find out?

U is for Uncle Leo
Do you think Cousin Jeffrey got tired of Uncle Leo talking about his crimes of passion? Maybe that's why Uncle Leo grabs people's arms while he's talking. Either that, or because so many people have left in the middle of him talking.

V is for Vandelay Industries
"And you want to be my latex salesman..."

W is for War, What Is It Good For?
One wonders if War and Peace would have been as highly acclaimed as it was, if it was published under its original name "War, What Is It Good For?" It was Tolstoy's mistress who insisted he called it War and Peace.

X is for Xanadu
"No wonder you’re putting in so many hours."
"I'll fix us a drink."

Y is for Yada yada yada
"But you yada yada-ed over the best part."
"No, I mentioned the lobster bisque."

Z is for Zero fat frozen yogurt
When Mayor Rudy Giuliani gets involved in your false advertising scheme, then you know it's time for serenity now.